I am 21 year old, born and brought up in Indore. I don't remember the exact age it started but I remember it happening around my 6th bday and it pretty much went on till I was 11. I was sexually abused and molested by my own cousin. He is used to lure me in with the toys and the freebies that used to come with Maggi etc as a kid and he told me to never tell anyone about it as it's our 'secret game'. I didn't realise what was happening to me but I remember feeling scared and uncomfortable. It began with him touching me inappropriately. He once took me to his room, undressed me and did things to me I can't even put in words. He also then unzipped his jeans, took my hand in his ( I was a 7/8 yr old kid when this happen, for heaven's sake a kid) and made me touch his penis. I remember this moment most clearly because of the repulse and disgust I felt.

He would casually ( and inconspicuously)slip his hands in my tshirt or underwear while all the cousins were playing. We were all lil Kids and our parents thought the bigger "kids" were watching over us. He wasn't naive or stupid. He was and is a sick sick man. If I was 6, he would have been around 15-16 when he started doing all this to me.

I never spoke about it to my parents because I didn't know what was happening. By the time I turned 11-12, realised what's been done to me... It was too late coz soon he moved abroad for his studies. I come from a big fat punjabi joint family and my mother, like most moms has been fiercely protective and insanely possessive about me.

By the time I realised what had happened to me, I couldn't find the guts to tell anybody coz I knew it would devastate my mom ( she will curse herself for not being able to protect her own daughter), my family would be forever destroyed and also the biggest fear : I never would be able to have normal free youth. My childhood had already been taken away from me. I couldn't get myself to lose the rest of life too.
I was afraid I would always be seen in a different over protective light by my parents and not to mention, the nagging eyes of relatives.

It sucks to have had that kinda realisation at the age of 12.

I cried myself to sleep every night hence. Thinking that I have sinned. Convincing myself to tell them every day. But then one day I just stopped crying. You seem to run outta tears.

My abuse became a part of who I am. As I type this, I feel nothing. Not one bit of pain, regret. No tears nothing. This kinda abuse makes u numb.


I can't begin to talk about the emotional damage it had done.
Thanks to my grand mom's and mom's strong upbringing I never developed any physically evident tell tale signs of the abuse - didn't go into the shell, didn't have suicidal thoughts etc but suffered a damage much greater.

I had lost faith in all relationships between a man & a woman - that of a friend, brother sister, boyfriend, partner.

Outside I was all perfect putting the perfect facade. But inside I had died. I couldn't bear attachments. Every person who tried getting close to me or every friendship I could see turning into more - I deliberately walked away from it. I made people hate me just to detach myself from attachments.


It was only after I met my current boyfriend, opened my heart to him that a lot of emotional damage got done. But you never get over it.

There's no closure. There are still those nights where I can recall every single moment of abuse - vividly. It's not a good sight coz in those moments u hate your body.
There's no closure.
Some scars never fade.

I still don't believe in relationships. I am not able to invest myself in. Not to say, express my feelings.
And people still give up on me too soon.

Recently, my best friend of 6 years did.